• Excerpts from Norm MacDonald's reign as the anchor of SNL's Weekend Update.

And now... The Fake News.

"Our top story tonight: Texaco Oil, reeling from the public outcry over racist remarks made by some of it's top executives at a tape recorded meeting, today announced a dramatic change in company policy: No more tape recorded meetings!"

"On Thursday in a stunning admission, the Liggett Group, makers of Chesterfield, Lark, and L&M cigarettes acknowledged publicly that their cigarettes are addictive and do cause cancer. Hours later, the four other major tobacco-makers Reynolds, Phillip Morris, Lorillard, and Brown and Williamson issued a joint statement saying quote, 'Today's announcement comes as no surprise. Everyone knows Liggett cigarettes cause cancer'."

"A new study funded by tobacco giant Philip Morris claims that the nicotine in cigarettes may actually help prevent Alzheimer's disease. Executives at Phillip Morris caution that the study is not conclusive, but just to be safe, everyone on earth should start smoking."

"Doctors have discovered that deer hunters are at an unusually high risk for stress-related heart attack. Also at risk for stress-related heart attack: deer!"

"Under a new law passed by the State Assembly, effective next year, Michigan will set aside an allotment of hunting licenses for blind people. This after years of relentless lobbying by deer."

"In Detroit, under a new prison rehabilitation program called Fresh Start, employers will get a tax break if they hire an ex-convict. Employers who hire more than one ex-convict will get robbed and killed."

"In order to cut down on in-flight fatalities, American Airlines has decided to upgrade the medical kits on all it's planes. Each kit will now contain common life-saving drugs, a heart defibrillator, and a spare plane."

"Jonathan Schmitz, the 'Jenny Jones' guest who killed his secret gay admirer because of his fear and hatred of homosexuality, has been sentenced to 25 years in prison. Well, I guess that plan backfired!"

"In other news authorities in Pontiac, Michigan are trying to determine if Dr. Jack Kevorkian was involved with the death of a woman who was found in the back of his suicide van. You know I'm no expert in police work, but: YES!"

"According to a new ordinance in Kansas City, Missouri, anyone convicted of indecent exposure, prostitution, or soliciting prostitution will have his name posted on a local cable channel. If I can be permitted a personal comment, while the plan's goal of publicly shaming sex offenders is well intentioned, it is important to remember, in this democracy of ours, that Norm Macdonald is a very common name."

"Well how is this for a coincidence: last week in NY 3 sisters each had a baby on the same day at the same hospital. Though it should be noted the 3 women were in different hospitals, they are not sisters and they didn't have babies. Also they were 2 guys." "Still kind of a coincidence if you think about it..."

"Late yesterday, the House subcommittee investigating Newt Gingrich finally issued its long-awaited report recommending that the Speaker be given a reprimand and a $300,000 fine for minor ethical violations. Gingrich has promised to come up with the money promptly, although he admits it's going to involve giant ethical violations."

"In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student.... LeTourneau has been branded a sex offender, or as the kids refer to her, 'the greatest teacher of all time.'"

"In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory -- women can't drive."

"Meanwhile, at the University of Nebraska, computer scientists have developed a version of the Internet that is up to one hundred times faster than the current system. According to analysts, those using the new system to log onto America Online will now be disconnected in three one-thousandths of a second." (Norm comments) "You ever get onto a computer? Know anything about it?"

"Kenny G released his Christmas album this week. Happy birthday, Jesus ... hope you like crap!"

"Earlier this week Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet, and she has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day. Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke just 10 years after the Earth crashes into the sun."

"Who are safer drivers? Men, or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender-benders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman. For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do you? Nah, I'm just kidding, we don't hire women."

"Tourism in India has taken a dramatic drop recently. The state bureau of tourism has two theories. 1) Air fares have gone up slightly in the past year causing a decrease in travel worldwide and 2) The plague."

"And in Connecticut, where I live, a house race was won by a margin of just two votes. Well, that's good. My vote still wouldn't have made any difference at all."

"Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for 45 minutes."

"The Beatles first new song in over 25 years, 'Free as a Bird,' just came out and it's just been discovered that there's a secret message by John Lennon when you play the song backwards. The message is 'This song sucks!' "

"The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is crack."

"Christopher Reeve recently said that while he was recovering from his accident in the hospital, the comedy of Robin Williams convinced him to go on living. Meanwhile, the comedy of Pauly Shore made him long for the sweet release death would bring."

"Rap star Hammer is suing the LAPD after he and his entourage were mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this story: Hammer has an entourage!"

"Steve Forbes has dropped out of the presidential race. Reportedly, Forbes was so despondent he was overheard saying, "I feel like a million bucks.' "

"Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn has announced plans for a new hotel that's 46 stories high, set on a 17 acre island in the middle of an artificial lake on the Las Vegas strip. In a related story, Motel 6 now has shampoo."

"Magic Johnson has received a $900,000 retainer to write a book on how not to get AIDS. Chapter 1: Don't have sex with me."

"Well this coming Monday is Oscar night and three films: 'The English Patient', 'Secrets and Lies' and 'Shine' are locked in a tight race for the category: 'Best picture there is not a chance in hell I will ever see." (Norm adds) "Not interested in those at all."

"Last week British entrepreneur Richard Branson launched a new soft drink: 'Virgin Cola'. Apparently, months of research determined that people were turned off by the names 'Slut Cola' and 'Dr. Whore'."

"Finally, this week fire destroyed the home of Latin singing star Julio Iglesias. Music lovers everywhere had the same reaction: 'Yes!'"

"In business news ... a British company has announced its intention to purchase telecommunications giant MCI. This after MCI called the British company's owner at home 5000 times."

"In New York this week, Sammy 'The Bull' Gravano was sentenced to just five years in prison for committing 19 murders. He better be careful though, because New York has just passed a tough new law: 20 strikes and you're out."

"In England, a much publicized videotape of a naked Princess Diana having sex with her lover Captain James Hewitt has turned out to be a fake. On the bright side, it's still a video of two naked people having sex."

"On Capitol Hill this week the House unanimously passed a measure which would prevent prison inmates from being counted as household members for purposes of food stamp eligibility.
Note to self: Find new way of fraudently obtaining food stamps."

"Despite pressure, jailed Whitewater swindlers Jim and Susan McDougall are still refusing to testify about President Clinton's role in the scandal and some are charging that the President has secretly promised them a pardon in return for their silence. Well, in a candid interview this week, the President admitted that he might consider pardoning the two, but only after making `Every effort to have them killed in prison."'

"Actress Sherry Stringfield announced this week that she's leaving the hit series `ER.' Several actors have already expressed great interest in the part including Shelly Long and David Caruso."

"Recent photos sent from the Galileo space probe, orbiting Jupiter's moon Europa, suggest that it meets the conditions necessary to support a primitive form of life. Just what kind of life form? You guessed it -- Frank Stallone."

"After 'Space Jam's' smash opening last weekend, Michael Jordan's promoters have good reason to turn him into a movie star. Apparently there's still some money in the world he doesn't have yet."

"Ford this week recalled two models of cars saying that they might explode during refueling. At Ford, quality is Job one. And job two: Making your car explode."

"Our top story tonight: this week, after months of speculation, sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres finally admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay."

"Last weekend, in a dramatic rescue off the coast of Long Island, fishermen pulled a 300-pound man from frigid waters. They were alerted by his desperate cries of 'Help! Help! I'm starving!"'

"Grocery and department stores across America have added reserved parking spaces for expecting mothers. Especially excited about the innovation are handicapped drivers, who will finally get to park in someone else's space."

"In Indiana, the State legislature has approved a law, requiring professional hypnotists to be trained at accredited institutions and certified by the State liscensing board.
Note to self: Cancel plans to tour Indiana as hypnotist this summer. Oh wait, wait. Ignore previous note, instead, Note to self: Get fake hypnotism diploma and proceed as planned." (nods to himself with a smug and content grin)

"With the resignation of two police officers in Vergennes, Vermont, the city's 2,500 residents are now left with only one policeman.
Note to self: If I get fired for cursing on the air last week, drive up to Vergennes, Vermont, hypnotize the remaining policeman and loot town!"

"In Congress, members of the House Women's Caucus say prosecution of sex offenders must be the Army's top priority, despite concerns of racial insensitivity on the part of investigators, which would be the second priority. Then, I guess, the Army's third priority would be defending the nation."

"Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died last Monday at the age of 83. Leakey was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace, until some nosy anthropologist digs her up."

"And the British Sunday Times is reporting that Belgian doctors have accidentally cloned a human being. The human being? You guessed it -- Frank Stallone."

"A top aviation watchdog group warned this week that the nation's airlines are vulnerable to terrorist attack. The biggest problem: watchdog groups pointing out to terrorists that airlines are vulnerable to attack."

"This week New York Senator Al D'Amato repeated his claim, that during the second World War, Switzerland aided the Nazi war effort and helped launder money stolen from Jews. These charges are the result of a lengthy, thorough investigation by the Senator which proves 'beyond a shadow of a doubt' that New York has lots and lots of Jewish voters, and no Swiss voters."

"As of next week, Valujet Airlines says it will discontinue service to Mobile, Alabama. According to airline executives, this cost cutting measure is expected to save the company over $200."

"Despite recent criticism, the school board of Oakland has decided to proceed with its controversial Ebonics programs for city schools. In fact, school board officials today announced the winner of the first city-wide Ebonics spelling bee: fourth-grader Soon Jyoop Kim."

"The American Cancer Institute recently discovered that the lower a person's birthweight, the less likely it is for them to develop several kinds of cancer. This information falls into the category of 'Things you can do nothing about.' "

"A recent consumer poll shows that 'Hershey' is America's favorite company, while 'Phillip-Morris' is America's least favorite. In the middle: the company that makes chocolate cigarettes. Right in the middle."

"On the seventh season of MTV's 'The Real World,' the young people will represent different backgrounds, ages, religions and sexual orientations. They will, however, share one trait in common: I will hate them."

"Stedman Graham long time boyfriend of Oprah Winfrey has just released a book titled '10 Easy Steps to Success.' Step number one: Become Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend."

"In Washington, a 410-pound convicted killer is fighting his execution on constitutional grounds. He claims that, if he is hanged, his head will be completely torn from his body, which would amount to 'cruel and unusual punishment.' Now, having your head completely torn from your body is cruel, I'll grant you, but is it really that unusual?"

"Skater Tonya Harding, banned from competing for the U.S. because of her part in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, received a setback this week when her request to skate for Norway was rejected. However, Harding remains optimistic she'll get the OK to compete for 'The Republic of White-trash-istan.' "

"The food and drug administration announced today that while one ounce of Special K with 4 ounces of milk is a good dietary source of protein, one ounce of Special K with 5 ounces of milk is deadly poison."

"On Wall street last week trading was very heavy on the big board. Why? Because its a big board! What are you, nuts?!"

"This week in the former Soviet Union, an American engineer for a San Diego based company was arrested and charged with spying for the United States. Russian authorities say he was caught attempting to smuggle out their secret formula for alcoholism and despair."

"According to a new ordinance in Kansas City, MO, anyone convicted of indecent exposure, prostitution, or soliciting prostitution will have his name posted on a local cable channel. If I can be permitted to make a personal comment. While the plan's goal of publicly shaming sex offenders is well intentioned, it is important to remember in this democracy of ours, that Norm Macdonald is a very common name."

"In Maryland, Bell Atlantic plans to offer a service that would allow customers to learn the address of any listed telephone number in the state. Critics say the service would be an invasion of privacy, while proponents of the plan say it will help them invade people's privacy."

"On Tom Snyder this week, actor Tony Danza said he thought the recent open display of affection by lesbian couple Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche in front of President Clinton was extremely disrespectful. On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded, 'Someone should tell Tony Danza to shut the hell up!'"

"At a press conference this week, FAA officials studying last year's crash of TWA flight 800, announced that they have pinpointed the cause: a frayed wire leading from the jet's fuel tank. According to the investigators, the wire became frayed when it was struck by a missile.
That'll fray a wire."

"In Springfield, Missouri the local cable company mistakingly showed 5 minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network during an episode of 'The Flintstones.' Experts say children who saw the episode called it "the best 'Flintstones' ever!"

OJ Simpson:

"Our top story tonight comes from the O.J. Simpson civil trial, where this week it was revealed that in his first interview with police, Simpson had refused to take a lie detector test. His reason -- it detects lies."

"Meanwhile, Simpson defense attorney Robert Baker argued that a dark spot in a crime scene photo was a `mystery shoe print,' suggesting there were actually two killers. O.J. hopes this will support his theory that he did not act alone."

"Thurman Thomas has just broken a few of OJ's records recently. He now leads the Bills in touchdowns, and yards. Next up.... killing three people at once."

"According to O.J. Simpson's niece Terry Baker, when O.J.'s mother Eunice Simpson, first heard about the slaying of Nicole Brown, she exclaimed, 'He did it!' Reached for comment, O.J. said, 'My mom was just guessing, I hadn't even told her yet.' "

"At the Simpson Civil trial this week, O.J. and Fred Goldman got into an explosive shouting match. Mr. Goldman bellowed at O.J., 'Don't give me that damn look.' While O.J. shouted back, 'I wasn't even looking at you. You're just mad 'cause I killed your son.' "

"Also this week a California newspaper revealed that O.J. Simpson was awarded custody of his children mainly because a court-ordered psychological test showed that he is a loving father. It should be noted, however, that the same test also showed that he was a loving husband."

"O.J. Simpson did not spend Mothers Day with his children. When asked about it he replied, 'Duh! Because I killed their mother!' "

"O.J. Simpson reportedly has a videotape that he says proves who actually murdered Nicole. He said he intends to use this tape as evidence in his upcoming civil trial. What's on the tape? The first Simpson trial."

"Well, this week, after a Los Angeles restaurant refused to seat him, O.J. Simpson demanded, and got, $500 in compensation. In addition, the restaurant must now offer separate murderer and non-murderer sections."

Bob Dole:

"In the final days of the Bob Dole campaign, Bob Dole has $19 million left to spend while President Clinton has more than $32 million. Dole plans to use his $19 million for TV ads, radio spots and mass mailings, while a confident President Clinton has allotted all of his $32 million to a crooked Arkansas land scheme."

"Meanwhile, Bob Dole brought his struggling presidential campaign to New Jersey vowing, in his words, to prove Yogi Berra was right when he said, 'It ain't over 'til it's over.' Reached for comment, Yogi Berra said, 'It's over'."

Clinton/Chinese:

"Following the surprise withdrawal of his nominee Anthony Lake, President Clinton has chopsen active CIA director Georde Tenant to head up the agency. Now all he needs is the approval of the House, the Senate, and this Chinese guy." (picture of asian man shown)

"President Clinton this week declined an offer by Republicans to form a bipartisan commission to scale back annual increases in Social Security. Asked why he rejected the proposal, the President said, 'Personally, I liked the idea of a bipartisan commission. However the two Chinese guys who gave me a million dollars, just wouldn't go for it!' "

"Our top story tonight, Attorney General Janet Reno announced she will not name an independent council to investigate campaign fund raising by the President. At a press conference, she said, quote, 'The decision was mine, it was based on the facts, on the law, not pressure, not politics, not any other factor.' She was then led away at gunpoint by the First Lady and nine Chinese guys."

Michael Jackson:

"This week, a London tabloid published the first exclusive pictures of Michael Jackson's baby, secretly taken by a guest at the King of Pop's Neverland Ranch. Upon seeing the pictures, Michael said, 'This is not my baby,' then quickly added, 'I'm not saying he isn't hot, he's hot, it's just not my kid'." (Audience reacts badly)
"I'm not saying he isn't a very sexy infant, he's just not mine." (Audience gets quieter)
"I would love to have sex with him, he is just not my child. That's all I'm saying." (Audience is appeased)

"The New York Post has reported that Michael Jackson wants his closest friend in the world, Elizabeth Taylor, to be the godmother of his child. However, those close to the pair worry this could eventually lead to heated arguments over whether the child will be molested or eaten."